Insecurities

Insecurities can be so dangerous and have a great capability to ruin everything (if you let them).

I believe that everyone has insecurities.
Some people "show" their insecurities easily, but some might hide it quite good then you have to know them well before you find out their insecurities.

I have my doubts as well. I have insecurities. To people whom I know very closely, they will find out that my insecurities can be quite destructive (let ask my boyfriend).

Actually, on some level, insecurities help us to keep grounding. To keep us sensitive, and aware of the dangers that might come. But above that "healthy level", insecurities never bring good things. So we have to learn how to control it.

I tried several things to overcome my insecurities.

In the past I tried yoga and meditation. But the outcome is not as expected to be honest. I mean, I enjoyed Yoga very much in my gym place, but every time we do meditation, I rather sleep.

The best 'run away' from the anxieties and  thinking about my insecurities, is by doing active exercises. I'm running, 3 times a week. I do dancing. And believe it or not, by doing active exercises, I am capable to forget all of that negative energy and becoming happier, sexier, and more positive!

I also do writing (like this) to overcome the anxieties and negative energy.

In general, I think having some hobbies definitely will help you.

And what activities drive me toward the abyss of insecurities?
Social media. Easy answer.

Social media (not every time) will make me anxious and insecure. Whether I saw my friends have nicer holiday, nicer things, nicer relationship, nicer blablablabla. It bugging me sometimes.

When I saw that my boyfriend's ex friended my boyfriend's family in social media, I'm totally upset. I do not know why. It doesn't mean anything anymore. My boyfriend said, he don't care and I should not care either. But it bugging me.
So I talked to my boyfriend, arguing with him and asking him to talk to her sister to be my friend, in social media. It ended in a nice way actually, I was introduced to his family. But let's imagine, how it will more lovely if it ended without argument with my boyfriend.

Second example, when I posted photos in instragam, deep down in my heart, I expected people (my followers) to like it. And I feel this 'obligation' to keep liking their photos, even though to be honest, I didn't even like the photos.

Don't you think that it's kind of sad. We pretend to like other people picture, so they will like back our photos even tough both of parties didn't really like the photos.

Social media sometimes can be destructive for our mental health. Seriously. So my boyfriend said, stop thinking to much about social media and lets have better and healthier life.

To be honest, he is a much better social media user than me. He rarely let those kind of thing bugging to much. He just drooling the instagram for his own pleasure. He even deleted his path account.

Well, I tried to be more like him to be honest. To be more care-free about social media. To not let things to control me, but me taking control of things.

Anne Boleyn - A thought

She's famous as a woman who steal a king's attention, King Henry VIII to be exact. She made the King use all of his power to divorce his legal wife at that time, Queen Chaterine of Aragorn.

She's famous for her lavish and glamorous style. And her quite active involvement in Church Reformation.

And she's famous for her beheading when she lost King's favor.

I think it's useless to share her history. She is one of the most popular Queen Consort of England, so probably you already knew her story.

It's just suddenly I'm thinking about her character. About how she is so charming, so intelligent, and so great as an illicit lover. She is a very attractive woman, you know. Not just because her physic. There are so many beautiful women in England, but why she is so special. The King himself separate Church of England from Rome just because of her. Many Catholics died at that time because of her.

I'm not saying that she is a nice person. No, she definitely doesn't have any integrity. She's very ambitious and ruthless. She's not a good example as a woman, she stole somebody's husband and decide that she wants to get rid of Princess Mary (king's daughter from his previous marriage).

But at that time, women has limited opportunities. Women always treated as inferior. A desired woman should be docile and submissive. And Boleyn, despite of those limitation, with her intelligence, pragmatism, can changed a history. She is very active in Church reformation as well at that time. She is always interested in politic affairs, which of course becoming one reason why she has many enemies in the court.

I do not want to be as manipulative as Boleyn. I do not want to take something whose not mine. I do not want to do any illegal action just to get power like Anne Boleyn. Or to break a family just to get what I want.
But, I want to be brave like her. To be progressive as women in my time. To be not afraid to have a dream. To be smart and intelligence, not boring and mediocre. To claim my rights as a women, that I'm not lesser than any men. That education and manner who define our honor, not our gender.

Yes to be smart, intelligence, and progressive. Not boring and mediocre. Not just have 'look' but hollow inside.  

Three years is the a perfect time to evaluate your commitment and future for one position in one company. If it doesn't challenge you anymore or give you the appreciation that you are eligible to receive, well the ball is in your court. Wait a bit longer or fight to get better position or get out and search what you deserve to get.

I've worked for two and half years now in my current company. In several weeks we will receive our performance evaluation, so I will see, whether my future is still belong to this company or should I venture into some other areas.

Nobody will take care of you in business world. No one. You should take care and only care to yourself.

Pragmatism is on top of everything in the office.

Stay hungry!

Let's face it that we all have some superficial reason to love someone.
I do care and have affection about my boyfriend, in a true way. But when I first met him, I have a very specific superficial reason about why I like him.
Well, it's about the fact that he is a tall guy, kind of super tall for Indonesian.
I'm a hobbit size, so since I was little, I always think that if I will end up with someone then it will be with someone tall (you know, due to anthropological reason).

Then, I'm wondering,  hypothetically if he shrunk into hobbit size, will I still love him like today? It's very random thought.

Why?
I remember that I told him one day when we discuss about his hair, that even though he's becoming bald or fat or darker, my feeling will never change. And I mean it. Those things doesn't matter to me. I can easily trivialize those issue.
But, how if it is about his height, something that I always love about physically. How if he shrunk into my hobbit size. Can it be trivialized easily as well? Of course this question is a moot point. He cannot be suddenly becoming short like me, but you know, we talk hypothetically. 

Maybe not that easily, correct?  Because even though it is not crucial or important and very superficial, but it is one specific thing that I love about him. Something that I don't have but he has it, and I feel like it complete me, cover my flaw.

You know, I care and love him deeply and truly (again I say it). I never thinking about someone else like I do about him. But I realize that my feeling is not perfect. It's tainted by my superficial and selfish human characteristic.
It's very "human" indeed.
There is no perfect love between a man and woman. It is always corrupted by something. It's not like God's love for example, who can love us beyond all of that physical appearances.

Yes, I admit how superficial and how deformed my love is. It's limited.

Love is not perfect. The extreme changes either physically or mentally in people that we love can affect us. To be honest. 

But the next question will be, should we give up on something because our nature as human being is corrupted and deformed from beginning. No. We won't give up. I definitely will not.

I will never leave him because one stupid reason. I love him in so many ways and for so many reasons. Even though I cannot change the fact  that my feeling can change temporarily because my human nature which I can deny, but the commitment between us is strong enough to passed those stupid obstacles. I have many other reasons to stay love him.

Love is not perfect.
But love with commitment and honor and friendship hopefully will remain true.

Stop sucking that plastic straws!

Lately I saw some campaigns to stop using plastic straws and it sounds very promising and interesting for me.

So, I bought stainless steel straws last week and give it also to my bf and my friends. I have never used plastic straws anymore since last week. And I'm kind of proud to myself to do this initiative.

Stainless Steel Straws - Bought for IDR 45k

OK, so why we should stop using plastic straws? It is very simple and logic.
Because everyday people all around the world using plastic straws for one-used and than those stupid plastic straws will be a big pile of nonrenewable waste that will end mostly in our sea and harm our sea ecosystem.

Have you ever heard that there are many animals in the sea DIED because they ate those stupid plastic or those plastic being sucked at their nose? Well if you never heard it, then I will tell you. Over 100 million marine animals are killed each year due to plastic debris in the ocean (source : https://conserveturtles.org/) 

So guys, I urge you. Please stop using stupid plastic straws. 

Please stop being so selfish. Please stop thinking that human is so superior, thinking that as long as my life is good and comfortable, than it is definitely not my problem if a turtle die because they eat my waste. 

Please stop. It got my nerves every time I saw some stupid disgusting people who posting their photos in Instagram doing fun activities in the beach and then they sucking their plastic straws to drink coconut water or drinking mineral bottle waters. Do you expect that all of those plastic waste will be just disappeared? NO. They won't disappear.  

Human's ignorance and superiority feeling (thinking that human is better and higher and more important than other any creatures) make me feel sick. 
My boyfriend loves snorkeling and turtles as well, so I urge him to stop using plastic stupid straws and I give him one good stainless steel straws. 

It is our responsibility to take care the nature, this wonderful earth. If we cannot take care it, at least we can stop ruining it. And it can start with simple action, just stop sucking those plastic straws. Drinking directly or using your stainless steel straws. Stop being selfish, arrogant, and ignorant creature. Start taking responsibility.  

Be more like Sam Gamgee

"But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. Because they were holding on to something. That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for"
-Sam Gamgee LOTR-


I am a big fan of J.R.R Tolkien. I have read his books for so many times. I bought his books when I was in Junior High School with my own savings. Before my bf started collecting books, I have done it since I was in Junior High School for J.R.R Tolkien books.

When I was a kid, my favorite character in LOTR is always Aragorn, you know mainly because he is brave and humble (even though he is a king legitimate heir, he didn't want to be a king because he's afraid he will follow his father's way) and very capable using his swords, and very adventurous, blablablabla. Yes I love Aragorn, and always fantasize about him.

But back at that time, I have never put many thoughts about Sam Gamgee. Never. Maybe because he is described as fat hobbit and his professions is only Frodo's gardener. How shallow I am when I was a kid.

But after I watched LOTR again last month (maybe for 10 times repetitions in my life), I found that Sam Gamgee's character is very noble and wonderful. He is not a king or hero's descendant. He's only a gardener. But as Frodo said at the end of the story, Frodo will never be able to go that far to destroy the Ring, without Sam Gamgee.

Sam Gamgee is like the most loyal friend and companion that you want to have. He is very devoted to help Frodo in his mission. He is true, humble, but also brave and throughout the story, he show great deal of courage and heroism.
When Frodo had doubts about their mission, Sam said the quotes in above article. He said to Frodo, the great characters in the stories never turn back, because they know that there are some in this world  and it's worth to fighting for.
 What a great thinking!

When Frodo doubted him and banished him, he still followed Frodo and fought bravely against the big spider and the orcs to save Frodo.

When Sam have to be a ring bearer for a very short period because he thought Frodo is dead, without showing hesitation he gave the ring back to Frodo which show great character.

When Frodo almost gave up to destroy the ring, Sam always encourages him. Always. When Frodo cannot walk anymore to Mount Doom, Sam carried him on his back.

I hope, I can be more like Sam the Brave. True, loyal, kind, humble, brave human being. Never have desire for glory or treasure, simply wants to be have a wonderful adventure  with his friends, help to save the world, and come back to his home to meet the love of his life. 

Was Ugly

I opened my facebook page two days ago. To be honest, for me facebook is a bit outdated, I rarely open it anymore. But, my boyfriend's mother add me as friend in facebook, so I have to open it and confirm the friend request (of course!).

Well, after quite long time never really care about the photos there (most of the photos are from my college era), I open it again.

And bam!  I'm quite shocked with the photos. I try to say this in a nice way, but yes to be honest, I looked very ugly on my college days.

OMGGGGGG!! My skin is quite dark, I even cannot remember that I have been that dark. You know, in college I was take 'ancot' twice a day, so I kind of blame it. And you know, I don't even bother to wash my face with special face shop (so saaad). Not finish yet..and my hair looked so messy, like I've never combing my hair, looked very dull. And my clothes and my shoes, terrible. 

Well, I was shocked, but then I started to laugh my self loud. I mean, I was ugly, but I have so many fond and good memories there. My college days are definitely one my favorite time in the world. I felt free, literally, like a bird, in the college, you know, intellectually, spiritually. I felt genuinely happy.

I realized two things after opening my facebook page again. One, I'm so grateful that after working, I have enough money and enough capability to realize the importance to take care my self physically. And, second, I'm also feel grateful that I spend four amazing year in my bachelor degree. It was quite awesome! I can see myself as you know, an intelligent entity, surrounding with so many smart, amazing friends (well I studied in ITB, so believe me, my friends are crazy smart asses), and I have so many times to thinks about matter things except myself.

It doens't matter anymore that I was looked so ugly (physically) back then. I was so happy and that supposed to be counted, correct.