Love Yourself

I had a difficult time in the workplace. I'm happy working there, but being happy without real progress is not enough. And to make it worst, suddenly "Negara API" attacking and everything changed in the office.

I have a very clear, discrete plan for my future. I know what I want to be in every five years. I have it in the picture on a paper actually. When my ex-boss saw it, he said, you are so ambitious. Well, how can you face yourself each morning in mediocrity?  I want to be the best, even though I realize it takes time and process. But I need constant progress. 

I started rather slow in my career, you know. Most people started when they were 22 yo. But for me, I spend another two years for a master degree. I started when I was 24 yo. I need to accelerate right now. I can't wait any longer. 

I had my struggles in the past four weeks. I talked previously about the transferring to another department. Hey, I'm not allergic to changes. But this change has zero benefits (in my perspective) for my future career. I should start from the beginning again, without any raise or promotion or whatsoever. 

I'm a fool if I do nothing. 

I'm not saying that I'm that brilliant. But I'm very good at my job, I have all of the degrees and certification you need. I have the attitude. So, I said to myself, nothing is irreplaceable. 

Thank's to God, He knows my heart, my struggles, the pain. He opened the way, in a way that I don't even imagine it first. 

Only in two weeks process, I have another job. With the promotion that I always want, better level, a raise (50%!) and a better health plan. 

Again, glory to the Lord who leads us even in the darkest hours. 

I know, there will be many stories, risks, challenges ahead waiting for me. But hey, that's life!

For every woman out there, never ever give up on yourself. Never ever let yourself be that fool dancing on the strings held by those big shots. Never. Take the control of your life. Fight until you can't breathe anymore. Fight for your life. Because no one, no human being, will love you like you should love yourself. No one will take care of you like you should take care of yourself. 

War

I spent several nights to watch Netflix documentary about the Vietnam War (also called American War). There are 10 episodes, covered around 25 years of the War.

Watched the documentary did really break my heart. I felt sick, devastated, and angry as well.
2 million Vietnamese and 50,000 Americans lost their lives during the war. 1 of 5 Vietnamese was homeless...

Vietnamese wanted their freedom, no matter how expensive the price. And they had every right to think and do so. On the other hand, American could not stand to see the world felt into Communism. They were in cold war against Russia, and the last thing they wanted was that Southeast Asia becoming red at that time.

Vietnamese divided into North and South Vietnam. South Vietnam is backed by the Americans, while North Vietnam is backed by Russia and China.

To summarize, after more than 20 years supported and backed South Vietnam, American pulled out their support. Americans people became weary of the war. Anti-war demonstrations were everywhere. They had enough of the war, and Richard Nixon administration ended their military support.  and after that, on April 1975, South Vietnam Army and Viet Cong successfully defeated South Vietnam and the county was united. I think it is safe to say that aside what ideology finally implemented (which ideology is wrong or right), at the end of the day, the Vietnam people won the war. But then again, the price is too expensive. Too expensive.

In every single war, for resources, for ideology, for whatever reason, the people will pay the highest price. They do not have the power to stand. And most of the time, the government will do everything, including lying, covering, and manipulating to win the war.

Bravery, gallantry, patriotism, sometimes being manipulated to achieve certain elite's interests.

Watched the documentary taught me several things. Firstly, in this mean world (dog-eat-dog world) we cannot be that naive. To be frank, no one will do really think about our goodness, except our own selves. When we were young, we are easily manipulated and used by the 'bigger' people around us. Do not fall into that trap again. Remember always to think and think again, use the brain to think what's right, what's wrong, and speak up. Don't believe something just because some people says so.
Secondly, history is super powerful. It can open our eyes and our conscious. We learn from history so we do not repeat the same mistakes. So spread the history. Use your social media with your brain. Don't spoil it too much for the stupid shallow thing always, spread the message, try to be a good influencer.

We want this world to be a better world. Then we should start with ourselves.

Japan

Do you watch World Cup 2018 in Russia? I have watched world cup since 2002 and it is safe for me to say that World Cup 2018 is the best world cup ever. So many upsets (upset is a term used if the favorite hot team is defeated by the less one) and it's super entertaining.

Well, Amry and I support Japan Team in this world cup, not because we work in Japanese Company, but because we like to support underdog team in the world cup and well, both of us were so impressed during our visit to Japan.

Japan was in the same group with Colombia, Poland, and Senegal. And Japan was the least expected to go through the knockout stage. But this is wonderful about football in a big tournament like the world cup, everyone has a chance to make a surprise win. And Japan did it. Japan and Colombia were the two group to pass to the knockout stage. Unfortunately, they couldn't make it further. They were defeated by Belgium (no 3 in the world) in injury time after led 2-0. Well, I was a bit sad but Amry was devastated (wkwkwkwkw).

I remember, I told him that he shouldn't be sad. He should be proud. Japan is number 61 in FIFA ranking and is able to play with 16 best clubs in knockout phase is already a big achievement. They beat Colombia, draw with Senegal (who has Sadio Mane for god sake), and almost win over Belgium (again No 3 in the world).

Nothing to be ashamed of. They played aggressively and they can go home with their heads up.

Germany received tons of critics after they were beaten by South Korea. They should be embarrassed to went home so early because they have a pedigree team, they have the talent, the European physical, they have last year world cup trophy. And Japan did not have any of them, still, they fought bravely and achieved more than expected.

Sometimes, in life, we do not have so much when we were born. We do not have the best talent, best physical advantage, best resources to be a success in this world. But it should not prevent you to try your best in every competition in your life. Should not prevent you from fought bravely and gallantly. No matter what is the result, make sure that you fight and can face every competition with your heads up.

Perfection

What defines a perfect sunset for you? At the beach with zero clouds?

Well, to be honest, I cannot find another set of example. Sunset at the oceanfront without any clouds hovering is the best I guess. I enjoy the time to see the sun goes down perfectly, it's like the see eats the sun.

But not every time we go to the beach, we can see that perfect sunset. Sometimes there are lots of clouds and we cannot see the sunset. I'm not going to the beach so often so when I go, I hope there are no clouds at all.

Anyway, lately, I enjoyed one sunset with my special one. Well by the definition, it is not a perfect sunset. There were some clouds, but I realized one thing. No matter what situation, as long as you enjoyed it with people who matter the most, everything will be so perfectly balanced and harmonized. Seeing the sunset while holdings hands, then enjoying drinks (a.k.a beers) and the food is one of the most romantic evenings of my life.

By the time, I learn that experience is more valuable than things, but loved ones are above all. 

Si Cantik & Si Galak - Sunset

Dinner with Sunset 

Perfection

When we are upset or angry, we tend to forget how good is someone to us.

I'm not saying that my boyfriend is perfect. No.. He is not and so am I. But in this dog-eat-dog world, I cannot imagine how messed up I will be without him.

He helped me to buy a repeater when my wifi signal is not so good. He's the first one I tell about all of the shitty things in work. He took care of me when I was sick.

But then, when I was upset or angry or super tired, sometimes, I think I take him for granted. Fortunately, after a while, I will realize and say sorry. Of course, it is better to not doing it since the beginning, but late is better than never.

Having a partner in your life is not that essential. But when you have one, make sure that you are grateful and cheer them and treat them as nice as possible.

I'm so grateful to have him in my life. He is not perfect and so am I, but we do have each other.

Kartini

Last month, we celebrated Kartini's day. In Indonesia, Kartini is a symbol of women empowerment. Kartini was born in an era where women were not treated equally. Women are not allowed to receive higher education, cannot work, etc..

Every year, we will celebrate the Kartini's day, and along with the robust growth of social media using among Indonesians, our social media feed will be filled with many women quoted Kartini's statement, wearing kebaya and declare themselves as Kartini, or declare their mother or acquaintances as Kartini. In TV and radio, we will also hear people quoted some women as Kartini. 

And for these past two years, I will ask the exact same question to my boyfriend, "On what ground these women acknowledge themselves or their family or their friends as modern Kartini?"

Just because you are a woman, it doesn't make you automatically entitled to be "modern Kartini".

Just because a woman wearing a Kebaya, it doesn't make her automatically entitled to be "modern Kartini".

Just because your mother is nice to you and gave birth to you, it doesn't make her automatically entitled to be "modern Kartini".

Kartini is a woman who thinks ahead than her generation at that time. At her time, most of the women will think that it's completely OK and acceptable to get married as soon as possible without receive education or having a career. Their only goal is to serve their husband and be a good mother. 

Kartini cannot just accept the traditions or culture that restrain her right to study or to work. And only for her, but for all of Indonesia women. And she did something about it.

A woman who deserves to be called "modern Kartini" is not a woman with Kebaya or woman who is nice to her kids. Every other woman in Kartini's era also wear Kebaya and is a good mother, but they are not Kartini. They just ordinary women who never made any significant thing for women empowerment. 

"Modern Kartini" is a woman who (again) think ahead of her generations. Who is independent and can think and act for herself. Who realize that even today there are still so many discrimination (including in working place and in the society) and abusing to Indonesia women. Who acts and give her voice to that matter. 

That is a modern Kartini. 

Meet up the parents

So.. next week, I will meet his parents. For the first time in almost three years we are having this relationship.

I’m a bit nervous. I want his family to like me. Of course. He likes his family, I like him, so I need his family to like me.

It’s a bit stupid. I’m nervous about what I’m going to wear, how if they do not like me..

Several times, I said to him and to myself. Why am I so panic. I love him so much and I care about him sincerely. I’m highly educated, from good family. Nothing to worry. But still.

Well, let’s see how it turns out. Hopefully they will like me!

Kiss

Do you remember your first kiss?

I remember mine. It was so beautiful. I remember it in such details. It was only like 10 seconds, but the feel lingers until today. It was sweet. I remember his face came down, I can feel his lips in my eyes, then my nose, and then our lips met only for that magical 10 seconds. It was so sweet. 

In my country, a kiss between man and woman is taboo to discuss. People talked about it like it was something disgusting. Like something dirty and naughty.

I’m 100% disagree. I used to called them “norak” or “kampungan” or “munafik”.

Kiss is a way, an expression to tell someone that you love them. That simple.

What makes it dirty is the perception, that it can lead to fornication. So sad, aren’t they? Just because you cannot do it, do not judge people who do it.

Kiss can be interpreted in so many ways. It shows love, affection, compassion, friendship, greetings, respect. So many ways. Of course, it can also show lust. But not every kiss.

As educated people, we know the limit. I know the limit. Just it is super annoying when some people keep judging it and point their "holy" hands to other people who do it. 

I’ve never felt ashamed to said it, that my boyfriend has kissed me. With love. Not dirty at all. He kisses me because he loves me, and so do I.

When somebody talked about kisses or do it, then other people (in my country) will make it as a gossip and judge it, they will say that it is a Western culture, not good for children to see. 

Well, if you just would like to open your mind for a bit and stop judging something just based on what your parents or society said. If you just can stop mind other people’s business. Love is universal, it is not a Western culture only. 

Kiss is simple and beautiful. It creates a connection between two people. And if you see it in an educated way, there is nothing wrong with it. Nothing.

Give Up

There will be many moments in life where we find ourselves want to scream as loud as possible saying that life is sucks. Like super sucks.

Career, finance, family, love-life. It can be sucked sometimes

It is OK to say that. But said it out loud, will never change a thing. Not a single thing.
What will change it is your actions toward the problem.

To be honest, these last two weeks are not my favorite weeks. I have some trouble in work place. I used to be so certain and firm about my career. Always. I know what I want to achieve. The goal is very clear, and I worked my ass off for that. And the company disappointed me. After years and years working my ass off, I feel that they do not treat me fairly. I plan to resign to be honest. This not the first time. I knew how to resign and how to get a job soon. I've experienced it three years ago.

I said to my boyfriend several times this week, that life is sucks, super sucks. But again, he said it to me, saying that out loud won't change anything. What matter is how we turn this inconvenience (shit) for our advantage. Take a deep breath and do not rush it.

So...

I decided to suck it up. For a while. Until I have more bargaining power. I took some step back to review my life and come up with new plan.

Life is suck, generally. Of course it can be beautiful momentarily. But generally, this life is unfair and suck. There is no definite rules saying that if you keep doing good and work very hard then the result will be in line with your expectation. No, it is not. The result is likely of course, but there is no certainty.

It something that we should accept. And do not ever think that we want to give it up. Never. Be a fighter. Who wins thing.

Life is suck, but it will never brings me down.

Promises

When you take a promise, you are bound to keep that commitment. People make promises all the time from the small insignificant thing, but then they tend to forget about it.

Promises, whether you fulfill it or not, will indicate how we value people to whom we make promises and at the same time indicate how we value ourselves (our own words). Simply speaking, keeping our promises closely related to our integrity.

I limit myself to 'making promises' thingy. For example, I never said that I will write this blog often, because then if I do not do it often, people will question my integrity. Can I trust this person again when he or she says something, while he or she make a promise one time and do not fulfill it? Rather than do that, I just said it to myself (verbally to myself) that I will keep writing on my blog since it develops my skills and reduce my stress.

My boyfriend never makes a promise, that he will marry me in some specific years. And so do I. I never make such promises as well. Promise raise expectation and put our integrity and commitment on the betting table. Why on earth smart people will ever do that to themselves? I love him and respect him and so do him to me, but we are just ordinary people, we are still learning to keep that commitment and hoping that one day we will brave enough to say it verbally and in writing that we take that commitment forever to take a knot. There are smart and important reasons why we do not married yet. 

My point is, some people make a lot of promises, for small insignificant matter until big serious things. They just say it, in order to convince people to believe them. They do not think about it thoroughly. Some people do not realize that build your integrity is much more important than making some problem instantly disappear temporarily. Keeping your own words is one way to show that you respect yourself and other people.

So, stop making promises if you do not really mean it. Stop making promises just to convince people or to make the problem disappear today. Stop making promises you know that you cannot or will not fulfill it. Be a better person and bigger person, even though people will not see it directly, do it because you respect yourselves.

Working out the menu

I am a bit allergic to major and massive changes. I like stability and gradually changes.

My boyfriend, Amry, will say that I have to be more adept to changes and be braver to try something new. 

From the most basic thing like food, I have many limitations and do not like many foods. 

I only eat fish (not every fish, limited types and should be deep fried or roasted), chicken, and beef. I eat every fruit in the world, but cannot eat all of the vegetables. Yes, I am a picky eater. I do not like pork, duck, goat, sheep, clamps, crab, scallops, cauliflower, cabbage, and there is a list going on. So every time, I go on a date, I will choose the menu. My boyfriend should compromise. It's OK for him, actually, since dating with me, he has overall better health conditions, lower cholesterol. 

Anyway, reluctant to new things is not so dearly. I have to change my habit, slowly and gradually.
Today, I decide to work on Starbucks menu as an initial step. I thought, well why not, it should be easy. Fyi, I always order green tea latte, plain green tea (zen tea), and vanilla latte. Three type of beverages for these years. Over and over and over. I always get afraid to try something new, even something simple like coffee. I know, I have a mental disorder...

So today, I order something new, Asian Dolce Latte. It takes me 5 minutes to choose the 'new beverage' to try. Which one makes me less scared. 

Even though it seemed extremely simple and easy for you, but for me, it is nowhere from easy. Can you imagine? 

But the point is that I try. Try to change something negative in my life. Try to overcome my stupid silly fear.

We all have those stupid silly fear. And how to overcome the fear, by fighting it. It will go nowhere if we do nothing. So I start with the simplest thing and hope to leave my fear forever.

Let's check something not good that we want to change, and take a baby step. The most difficult thing is always to start first. 

Btw, Asian Dolce Latte is not so bad as I imagine. Quite nice actually! :)

Bangkok - Ribka & Amry's Journey

Bangkok is exotic.
The traffic is similar with Jakarta, but the manner of drivers is much better (no one gives clackson, even in the heavy traffic jam). People are not as kind as in Jakarta, but still OK. Food is incredible.

Spent 4 days in Bangkok. My third favorite country after Japan and Australia.

Overall, 7.5 from 10. Much more interesting than Singapore.

Day 1 Bangkok - Foodstreet, Platinum Mall

Day 2 Bangkok - Wat Arun

Day 2 Bangkok - Wat Phra Chettuphon

Day 2 Bangkok - Wat Phra Chettuphon

Day 3 Bangkok - Jim Thompshon's House 

Day 3 Bangkok - with Tuk Tuk

Day 3 Bangkok - with Tuk Tuk

Need You Now

Have you ever heard a song titled "Need you now"?
Well, it is not about the song, but about me who has a big problem and need someone.

My boyfriend is really something.

I love him so much and I know he also does love me, but he has totally different ways to tackle a problem.

He and I are different. I'm more about whining, complaining, crying, and all emotional. I'm all about being reactive. On the other hand, he is super stable, so fewer emotions.

Last night, I have a big problem in the office. My boss wants to develop my career/ability/whatever it is, in the way that I'm not used to and not agree in the beginning.

I cannot say no because it is a challenge and I have to do it, but to be honest, I'm not ready and I do not like it.

I started getting quite stressful. I started to create different scenarios in my head (usually worst scenario is being kept repeating in my head).

I started to cry and cannot get proper sleep last night. And I told my boyfriend.

Do you know, what is my expectation? He is to understand. He is to listen. He is to comfort me.
But what did I get? He said some few words like "be patience" and "that's life". And when I kept my story go on, he started to yell at me. Not yell as a yell, literally. But in a higher voice and strong words.
To be exact, he said that, "you have a loser mentality, stop fantasizing, stop whining, and move on."

I was devastated. I'm really tired last night, physically and mentally, and he said all of those things.

I was angry and I said that he was rude and stupid cold-blooded heart.

When I arrived at the home, he said sorry. And I forgave him.

Why? Because he is he. He does not mean to harm me. He is just being Amry. He does not like to hear my whining, he wants me to be stronger.

Well, I forgave him and still do love him, still very much. But I'm also feeling a bit disappointed.

It is a moment when I cried help from him, I said to him I need you now, at this moment, to be my loving supportive boyfriend. I do not need you to say to me how strong I have to be, because I knew it already. I just need your ears and little sympathy.

But he cannot ever be like that. That's his style and personality.

And that is called relationship everyone. A relationship is hard and definitely not for everyone. But you still get addicted to it and keep looking for it.

How can you stand mad to the rain?
Today, I plan to go to the church after several weeks. I thought, despite of all the dissenting opinions, today is Easter, and I have to go to the church, to say, “I’m all a sinner”.
I just changing my clothes and start ordering an ojek, and suddenly a big raining comes up.

Well, I’m very upset. Why on earth it has to be raining, on the day I decided to go back to the church. Seriously? Like can’t you wait for another 30 minutes?

So, I wait until the raining stops. It was a big raining with thunders and lightning. I have to wait.
One hour later, the raining is not so bad, I go outside. It’s already too late to go to the church, so I take my lunch.

On my way, I smell the rain. You know? That fresh and clean smell, mix with the grass and the soil. It felt pure. Like all of the shit this city has produced today, just cleansed away.

So how can you stay mad to the rain? Even though it’s ruining your plan, you cannot stand being upset. You will be pushed to just enjoy what this nature gives you. A fresh clean aroma the raining gives.

Singing - is for Every one.

Have you ever heard a duck singing?
Next question, do you want to hear a duck singing? Quack quack all along?

Well, if you truly want to hear a duck singing, you can ask me to sing. My boyfriend (again??? Yes he is my truly frenemy. That's why I love him) reminds me regularly how bad my voice is.

But I love singing! Since I was a little girl, I always love singing. My music knowledge and taste are even better than my boyfriend  (at least on my own opinion).

Then, do we have to stop doing something we love just because people said so? No! Totally no.
Even tough I realize that my singing voice is like a duck quaking, but he can't and never stopping me.

Singing is for everyone. It is free, fun, and need little requirement. There is no rule saying that only people with moderate to good voice are allowed to sing. No way!

My point is do not ever let anyone to control your life. Your right. No matter who are they, they do not have any right to say that you can do this or you cannot do this. As long as you do not do something bad and play by the rules, so what, just said, "kiss my ass if you want to stop me."

And do not ever stop doing something just because people think you are not good at it. So what? If you do not want to listen my singing, just get out. It's easy.

Do what you need to do. Life is so short, right? Then again, make it so damn valuable, every single second. And make it fun while it lasts!

Hormones

It is the time of the month again.

Maybe most of the women will understand it. The time of the month when you will upset over small things, being that super sensitive bitch, and feel like you need a conflict to feel better (being temporally drama queen). Women understand, because women feel it, actively, so I guess we share the pain together.

I guess, men, on the other hand, do not really understand it. I have a boyfriend, so I know it. I have to explain to him, regularly every month, that sorry it is the time of the month again, my bad.

At that 'time of the month', I will be very annoying. There's a moment even when when I hate myself. I feel so not confident. I feel that I make more mistakes than I do usually.

When I was younger, in high school until college, never I have to deal with 'the time of the month' like this. I was happier back then. I do not feel "PMS" like now. But when I started working and being more serious in relationship, the PMS is getting worse. The stress, the workload, the insecurity, make it harder.

I do things, you know, to tackle the issue. I keep doing exercise, twice a week. I keep my self busy, reading books or watch movie, so I'm not daydreaming which can trigger the bad thinking. I even control my appetite, I avoid sugar and salt to prevent bloating,  I eat a lot of yogurt and fruits to help me feel better about myself. For most of the time, it is working, but sometimes, I still hate my self.

We can do things to minimize the impact. I tried hard to be the better version of me at  that time. But it is not always easy. Sometimes, no matter hard you try, a teeny tiny problem can lead to explosion in your day to day life. And that's OK. Because you are only human after all.

Men do not understand that, because they did not feel it. The back pain, the mood swing, the swell in the breast. They do not understand the hormones. I said to my boyfriend, if I act like a jerk sometimes in my PMS, please just suck it up. Please be compassion and patient. It sometimes can out of my control.

You know, I do not want to hate my PMS. One day, I'm sure I will missing it, if I'm old enough and never have to experience it. It's a moment in women's life, that we have to believe, any storm will be passed out. It is a cycle, there is time when you feel not good in PMS, but after it finished, you realized that your skin is glowing, your hair looks better, and overall you appearance and mood is much better.

I guess, I still learning that it is just life. And life is suck sometimes, but how wonderful, if we can fight as hard as possible, and feel the victory against ourselves?

Sweet

What is the sweetest gesture in your relationship?

I have so many actually. I like it when he kisses my forehead and hugs me every time he says goodbye after a date. I like it when we hang out every weekend in a small restaurant and I get tired and I put my head on his shoulder and he kisses my hair. I like it when we walk together and he will pull me and put himself in front of me if there is a car rushing.

Relationship in day-to-day basis is not always sweet. We meet almost 7 days a week. Well, it is natural if sometimes we feel saturated and got into a fight. But there is no leftover in the fight. Before we sleep we will make it up.

But, those every little detail. The sweet gesture we do to each other. It lasts much longer than the fight. It makes me warm.

It's so crazy. I'm missing him right now. Yesterday we just met, and now I'm missing him and think about all of those details.

How a bunch of hormone I am!

Complete Failure?

Two days ago I had a little emotional breakdown.

It was the night of my birthday. My boyfriend called me in the midnight, said happy birthday with joy in his voice, and started to singing. Suddenly I cried- nonstop. 

He's getting upset (as always every time I cried). He said he hates tears and weakness.

It's all about my 27th birthday. I get all emotional that night.

I said to him (yelled actually), "my life is a complete failure".
I'm 27 years old, I do not have my own apartment or house, I still living in Kos,
I do not have my own car.
And what about career?  My boss, when he was 28 years old, he already becoming CFO in Korea. Me? I do not have anyone to lead.

I know, I sound like an ungrateful jerk.

But I have my reason. Since I was a kid, my family and my friends see me as someone who will be very successful. I always be in top of my class, every single year, since elementary school until high school. Never missed that top percentile. I was number one in my class in SMAN 5 Bandung (one of best school in my birth city at that time). I was studied in ITB (you know, the Best University in Indonesia - well this might be debatable for some people, but ITB is really really good). I have both my bachelor and master degree from ITB with scholarship. I'm not just that diligent girl. I have vision and determination, I'm so tough about my work. And look where I am right now.

My boyfriend was very upset to me when I said all of that. He said that I'm very ungrateful. He said that if I'm a single parent with 5 kids, and I do not have any money, then I can say that.
He said, with all of my degree, with my career right now, with my experience as the only girl my company sent to Japan last year to working there. I should not be so harsh to myself.

I got his points. But my standard is not that 'ordinary'. I cannot easily satisfied.

I know that my reaction was super bad that night. I had a tiring day, and with all of the hormones, I felt extremely upset that night.
It is so extra when I said I'm a complete failure. No, I'm not a complete failure of course. But it is not good enough for me.

Being hungry for self-accomplishment is different with being ungrateful. If you are easily satisfied, you will not achieve the best potential. Never. It is important sometimes, in some level to feel disappointed about yourself and make it better.

I refuse myself to sit tight on my chair and said oh my god how wonderful life is, when birds is chirping and flower is blooming, and my life is just that ordinary.

How much I hate that ordinary word.

Life is so short, right? Then fight for it. Fight like you keeping score with life. Fight like it is so important to you that in your deathbed, you can proud of your life. Proud with everything you achieve. 

Fish

I like to criticizing things, I guess..

Anyway, friends of mine have some fishes as their pets in the office. Some of them have small aquariums (literally small, like 15cm x 15 cm) or very small aquariums (like 10 cm x 10 cm). Btw, can I called it aquarium? I do not know what is the standard dimension for legitimate aquarium.

So, they said that they do really love the fishes (golden fish or cupang fish (Betta sp.)). They treat them like real pets, give them names, clean their super little aquariums, give them food, change the water every two days, and etc. etc.

But every time, I go to their desk and see the fishes. It looks stressful. It looks like unhappy actually. They just stay still, not swimming happily regularly (well maybe they cannot swim after all, because it is a very small aquarium).

So I said to my friend, I guess your fish is not happy. And they said, how come, I just give them food and look there are some accessories in that 'super little' (I added the term super little by myself) aquariums.
I replied, how come they can be happy, the aquarium is similar with my Kos in the human world. And there is no internet, Netflix, TV in that small aquarium. How come you expect them to be happy for all of this time.
Imagine, if you live in a small kos, and you cannot go anywhere. 24 hours in your kos. Doing nothing, no television, no friends, no space to breath. Though you have good food (not sure it is a good food, it must be boring to eat the same food all the times), you will never feel happy if you are living in that kind of prison with no interaction with your species.

And you still can assume that they are happy. Naive or you are just that dumb?

That is the basic problem with human in general. For their own ego and happiness, they buy the fish or bird or rabbit or dog or cat or iguana or whatever animal, you call them as your pet, you said you love them, care about them, but you put them in a prison, small cage, never go outside, give them same food every single damn day until the sweet release of death comes after them.

Do you think that animals is emotionless? They can feel a damn. It is ok to treat them whatever you like, and you can just assume that they are happy, just by giving them the same food every single damn day. No, they have emotions, even though not as complex as human. They can feel, they can be stressful. I do not want to have any pet, if I can guarantee to give them a space to breath. If they can run in reasonable space, or if they do not have interaction with other animals. No, because unless we can give it to them, we just put them into life sentence in a prison.

Stop being so naive, use your brain to think. To have empathy for every creatures in this universe. Thing twice, if it is you, do you want to be treated like that?

Again, the mindset is the problem. I always said again and again, never think that human is everything. That everything in this earth can be used only for human's happiness and satisfaction. It's an arrogant mindset, and totally wrong.

Never think like that. Use your brain.

Put the Purpose

Today, one of my friend casually asked me, then what will you do in life?
It start with very casual conversation about Kapuas river, the tribal life there, and 'who's gonna win the fight, wonder woman or black widow'.

Then she asked me that question suddenly, out of nowhere. It quite strike me like lightning in the middle of the day. It's important question, right?

So what will you answer if someone ask you that question. What will you do in life? What is your life's purpose?

For girls, please do not answer, "I want to get married with someone nice." Please don't. It is 21st century. Please do not humiliate yourself with that kind of answer. It's like one of the most swallow/super ordinary girl's answer and I hate it for its ordinary. Like, marriage is your super important goal in life and that's the only thing you are breathing in.

So I answer her, I'm not thinking about it thoroughly yet, but I want participate to save some tiger, to increase awareness about animal protection. And I want to go around the world as a gift to my own self. I want to see the penguin and whale migration. And see the Aurora in the North. And try as many as cafes all around Europe and America. That's what I want to do. 

To be honest, put purpose (a real and good legitimate purpose) is not easy. And do it, it's even more and more harder. I've already visited 5 countries so far, but to go to Europe or America, it is difficult. Money is the biggest obstacle of course, but also the time to go. I have to work, and I love my work. Do I have enough time to do that? And for the tiger, I already participate to donate money regularly, but how far I will help them with little money, and never directly involved.

Human life is just so short. 60-70 years is already very long for human nowadays. It's like you wake up in one morning feeling young, healthy, and energize. And one day, you wake up again, you are already 26 years old and not enough amazing thing you do in life.

Do you know Malala Yousafzai? She is Pakistani and she received Nobel Prize for Peace when she was 17 years old. And when David Letterman asked her about her goals in life, she said I want to put  women's education as purpose in my short life. I want to fight so young girls in my country and anywhere in the world can receive good quality education. She has very brilliant and honorable purpose and she is working on it, again brilliantly.

She's amazing. And I'm not achieving anything brilliantly yet.
Gosh, time is keep ticking, like a bomb. And what have I done so far? Will you ask the same question to yourselves? What have you done so far? What will you do? What is purpose in your life? Or will you be that 'faceless' person, with no significant life purpose, and the only life goal is getting married.

I hope not. So help me God.

Still sinner, eh?

When you like to watch Game of Thrones very much but the next day you preach to the world about how religious you are, and how important is purity and holiness. It's complicated to understand you know.

I rarely talked about religious matter in social media (anymore). When I was in senior high school and two semester of my college, sometimes I quoted some verse in Bible. But after finished my college, never anymore. I do not know. It does not mean that I do not believe in God. It's just social media is not a right pipeline for me. Just too many 'proud of myself' trap in that.

I'm totally OK with religious people who like to share their believe in social media. It's their choice, and no one should give any comments about that. But, sometimes I cannot stand myself when I saw some friends who in one day posted IG stories about how he/she loves to watch Game of Thrones or Fifty Shades, but in several next day they will quoted some Bible verse, or posting photo that they give some service in the church, or you know basically act like a very pure and non-sinner person.

I mean. Be realistic and honest. Game of Thrones and Fifty shades is full with nudity and sex scene.  I think Bible definitely against that kind of smut.

So my point is if you want to dedicate your social media life to spread about your religious thing, first thing first, make sure that you build you image properly in daily basis. Do not act religious and posted it all over social media, but then you watch soft porn. It's two faced you know.

If you decide to spread the good news, just stop doing the opposite things.

I cannot respect someone who judge someone who does not going to the church, then regularly posted his/her religious stuff, but watch soft porn, or wearing something provocatively.

If you still watching soft porn (not literally porn, but contains nudity and sex scene) and likes wearing dress in provocative ways and like to gossiping and like to hurt somebody else feeling and not generous, please do not judge other people. We are all still sinners then. 

Legaly at Work Place

One day, if you resign from your company, do you want to be remembered as someone nice, very helpful, good at your job, or do you want to be referred as that asshole who finally quit the job?

Nice question, isn't it.

In my office, there someone who will resign soon. He's been working for several years, so many people already knew him and had experience working with him.

Today, one staff come to my team desk and he dedicate his 5 minutes to told us how happy he is that this person is resigned. He said how this person is the pain in the ass regularly, so demanding. He said that his boss also feel very happy to hear the news and can't wait to see the replacement. Well, we laughed of course, it is not that serious.

Actually I knew him because we work closely, and personally he is not that terrible. I still believe that he has a good heart, quite fair. It's just that he is strict, cannot communicate very well with anyone, either vertically with his team or horizontally with other department, and he has problem to control his emotions.  He seemed to be frustrated all the time. He is stingy. It's like, what good memories you left for us to mesmerized? You left almost nothing, literally. So when no one bother and even they feel quite happy when you're gone, it's not their faults. You reap what you sow.

Someday, we all will leave our work place, either by resigning or retired. We all will. Of course, not everybody's thought is matter, we do not have to think about other people's opinion all the time. But I guess nobody wants to be remembered in that way.

So, even we still have to work professionally all the time, and sometimes we have to pragmatic and maybe some people has to get hurt by our working (it is common in workplace). But we still have to be a nice person, for minimum level. Do not blame anyone for our own work frustration. Do not be rude when asking something even when you are a boss. Do not be stingy because unless you are very cute like Mr. Krab in Spongebob, people will always hate you. Just be nice and polite in some minimum level. Be a better person overall. And when we leave, we can leave with good legacy, not only our work, but some good memories with our colleagues.

Art of Survival

I realized it since a very long time. Human is the most selfish creature in this whole universe. Human's arrogance based on the perception that we are more superior than any other creatures in the world is just so absurd. Some received that perception from their interpretation of religion.

I do not want to say that I have deep knowledge about religion. No' I'm far from good. But I have finished read my Bible for the third times, even when I was in junior high school. I'm a ferocious reader. I read anything very quickly, so then I read my Bible over and over when I was younger.

In Genesis, as far as I remember, God puts Adam and Eve in Eden to "take care" of it. Take care. Not conquer, not ruin, not exploit greedily. Then on what ground people have this though that Human is so much superior and then we have rights about everything in this earth, we can exploit and treat as we like.

No, take care means that we are given responsibility to guard it, to be kind and respectful to the earth. Because earth is not ours. It is God's. We do not have a right to ruin it or think of that as our belonging.

Yesterday, I was very upset. I read a news about how a government official called the people to kill a tiger. Rumor spread is that the tiger is not real animal, but some kind of ghost, something supernatural. It is a very stupid, idiotic statement to say. People who still live in superstitions, prejudice, and that kind of stigma makes me totally feel nausea.

Short story, they kill the tiger, brutally. Not once, but six times they piked the pity creature till died. Then they did skinning to the tiger's face and took of it's front teeth.

It makes me feel disgusted and upset to my bones. I made several ig stories to spread up the news. Retweeted several tweets. So people will know what this government official and people there has done.

How come they do that kind of thing. Because they think, that only their lives matter. As long as they feel comfortable and happy, they do not give a shit about others.

It's not happened only once in Indonesia. Several weeks ago, there was a news that an orang utan has been tortured till death, then it was cooked and eaten. They did it, not because action of survival, but for pleasure, to feed up their stupid ego.

My boyfriend said, we cannot really blame the villagers. He said they are 'orang kampung', do not have good college degree or proper education. But is it true? That only people with college degree and proper education can respect other creatures. I don't think so. It is not about education or degree at all. It's all common sense. I remember I read that people in Sahari, before they kill their prey, they will sit down and said sorry to the creatures. They kill it because they have to eat, not because they having fun doing it. Tribal sahari people in the past, did not have any college degree. It is purely common and ethical sense.

I always think in this perceptive. Human and plants and animals are neighbors. We share this earth. Food chain is unavoidable. It is an art of survival. But there is ethic, common sense. There is statue of limitation.

We cannot live without animals and plants. Face it. If they do extinct, we will extinct as well at the end of the day. We need each other. Prey and predator need each other. One, just one extinction will distort the nature balance, and it means the end of the world, eventually.

I know that now I cannot do much. I donate some amount of money to WWF for animal and forest conservation, regularly every month. I curse every cruelty against animals,  in cosmetic or fashion. I never use plastic straws anymore. I tried in my best to preserve the nature, even with the simple actions.

The most important thing is to have the right mindset, which will lead us to better actions as human being. Do not ever think that this earth is only created for human. Do not ever think that any other creatures in this earth is our own belonging. Start to respect the earth, out home. Start to respect the animals and plants, our neighbors. We cannot survive without them. We cannot.

Melbourne

An unforgettable evening in Melbourne, when I admired a beautiful Yara river with amazing sunset as background.

The ambience is very good. Beautiful lights from the buildings, it's just so romantic. In Indonesia, I never seen something like that.

Yara River - Melbourne

Yes, Melbourne is a very sophisticated, and diversified city. I spent only two days actually in Melbourne with my two friends as part of our Oz's trip. But it's very memorable. We visited some popular tourist attractions of course. Because it is autumn in Melbourne that time, we visited Royal Botanics Garden Victoria. It's a cozy place, there are many people just sitting there the other playing some balls with their dogs.

Royal Botanics Garden - Melbourne

 

 

Royal Botanics Garden Victoria - Melbourne  

We spent our afternoon there, taking some photos (of course, we are Asians) and basically just chilled out. 

Then we visited Etihad Stadium. But that day there is no match, so we cannot go inside.

Etihad Stadium - Melbourne 

Melbourne with the crisp autumn.. One of my unforgettable memories. So lucky to go there.

Famous Melbourne Tramp

Autumn in Melbourne

I think there will be some moment in your life where you feel void and alone.
Though you are surrounded by your partners, friends, and family, I guess there will be time that you feel no one really understand and you should solve your problem alone.

When I was a kid, I though if I have a boyfriend then I can always depend on him, that he will always understand me. But the fact is that we cannot. There will be time, when even your closest confidant cannot really understand you. It's normal and natural. It is a reciprocate relationship actually. He must feel the same about me.

No matter how happy and healthy our relationship, we are still two different entities.
Love movies, poems, songs are responsible to distort that fact. In movie, poem, song; love and relationship are portrayed as these overrated, helpless romantic that do not actually exist.

Someone that always can understand you is not your boyfriend/girlfriend. It is a robot, programmed specifically and customized to your personal demands.
I do not even believe about the soulmate thing. What I do believe that we are connected better with certain people, and we build chemistry, and we work very hard in a relationship by compromising.

At the end of the day, the only one you can really count to is your own selves.

I felt it sometimes. My spirit goes down suddenly. Things getting very hard and dark. I always (literally) tell my boyfriend about my problem and my worry. On most of time, he will help me out, give me advise, give me suggestion, and we will solve the problem together. But on some cases, I cannot even make him understand, my deepest and darkest problem. Who only myself can solved it, can get rid of it.

What I learned so far, the best way to take care of yourself and to get out of that dark situation, is to prepare our mental, our mind. When we almost give it up, said it to ourselves that we will not. When we are afraid, said that everything will get through at the end of day. Said frequently to yourselves, that you will never let anything to crush you, that you are fire and wind. That you will make it, anytime and anywhere.  Motivate your own self.

Be strong mentally. And you will be okay.

My boyfriend has a friend, let's call him 'J'. He is a friend from college.
Sometimes, my boyfriend and he will hang out together, and it always make me a bit upset.

I think at some level I feel threatened by him. You know, boys hang out. I do not know what exactly their activities, etc. etc. One day, we had a fight, because J asked my bf go to a nightclub and I don't like it. To make my insecurities are getting worse, my boyfriend seemed enjoy his company very much. Even a bit more than me (I suspect wkwkwk).

I've never explicitly, saying out loud about my dislike and insecurities. But I know he realized it a bit.

Then yesterday, we met at a mall (the three of us). I'm smiling to him and he smiling back. Nothing happened.

In a taxi back home, my boyfriend told me his story. About he and J. That on every Sunday, they will go to the church together, and then he always visit J's house. He will watched TV in J's house (my bf didn't have TV in his house during his college). He said that J is one of his longest friend who is always nice to him.

I didn't say much at the taxi.
I felt sad hearing his story about J actually. He said that J is his friend when he didn't have much.

At night before we slept, I send a text message to my boyfriend. I said, I'm sorry that I have that insecurities and dislike about J. J is always nice to my boyfriend, and there is no reason for me to not like him and be nice to him. My bf is a big boy and he can choose what is good and not good.

Sometimes we act very selfish. I felt terrible.  I got jealous (to a man guys) and dislike someone who is very nice to my bf even when I'm not existed in his life yet. I want he to choose me over his good friend. So selfish and 'bitchy'.

I'm so grateful that I have an opportunity to realize my mistake and fix it. It's an important lesson for me in my relationship. As a woman, sometimes we think that we are supposed to be 'his wholesome world', we push our partner to always choose us over any other things in his life. Well, it doesn't fair at all. If we do really care, we will try to accept his family, his friends. If their friend are nice to him, we should treat them nicely too.

Thank you for being nice to him when I'm not around yet.

Independent Woman

In my office, there is this guy who seemed to like my friend very much. Unfortunately, his feeling is not reciprocated. My friend didn't say it out loud to everyone, but she said it once to me that this guy is not in her level. She is beautiful (very much) and comes from a wealthy background. On the other hand, I do try to put this in a very good way, his appearance is just medium, he is a staff (lower rank than her), he just doesn't show a classy style, and he is a widow with two kids. So you guys can judge my friend or judge me, but she is just being realistic. She cannot like him, and I understand. 

One day my boyfriend asked me, hypothetically, if he is not a staff, if he is a general manager, will you date him? It is a very random question. But I still answer it and I remember exactly my answer.I said to him, no I will not. And it's simply because he is not my type (not tall, not sophisticated, and not smart enough for me). There is no correlation with his position in the office or his money. Even though he is the CEO, I will not like him because his style. I like a smart, sophisticated, and tall gentleman. Just like my boyfriend (wkwkwkwkwkkw).

Well, I said to my boyfriend, position or amount of salary is not a very important parameter for me in choosing a guy. Of course to be realistic I want a guy with vision and good job. But it's not very important, because if it is about money, I think I can take care my self. No need a man for money. 

In almost two and half years relationship with my boyfriend, I rarely asked him to buy me something. If he offered me to buy a present, I will refuse it, except for my birthday of course.

Why? It is not because he is a very cheap skate. It's because my own principle. That both of us healthy and capable to work, and he doesn't have any responsibility to pay anything or buy anything for me.

I want our relationship is working equally. Nobody is lower. But how can I expect him to treat me equally, if I asked him to pay my dinner or buy my clothes or my shoes. Naturally, he will not treat me equally of course, not because he is a bad guy who does not respect woman, but simply because he is a human being. Simple logic behind this conclusion is our parents. They treat us with full authority when we was kid because they pay everything for us. Because they pay the house we sheltered in, pay the clothes, pay the meals.

Do I want my boyfriend (my future husband) to treat me that way. No, because it is not 19th century anymore.

So, we always split the bills; dinner, lunch, grocery shopping, everything. He still buy my birthday present and take me to dinner on Valentine days or when he win a bet with his friend. But that's all od it. I'm not allowed it to have a mind set that my boyfriend should pay for dinner, taxi, or any other stuff.
I want him to see me as this strong independent woman who can take care myself. And most important, I want to see myself as that woman.

I love him very much, and I respect him. And I want him to respect me as natural as it is possible.

Being independent is not easy. But by doing that you earn you honor and your pride and your dignity. Be a strong woman. And that is totally worth it.

Totally Ordinary

One time I watched American Beauty at Netflix.

Well it was a very good movie with non-cheesy conversation and impressive story line.

But that's not what I want to talk about.

In the movie, there is one girl (very beautiful) named Angela Hayes. And there is this another girl named Jane Burnham (not as pretty as Angela physically, always dressed in Gothic style). Both of them are best friends.

Jane Burnham has a boyfriend name Ricky.

Angela is a kind of girl that looked very pretty outside. Pretty in a common general way people will accept. An American standard of beauty. She's also a bit too much into her look. Care too much about appearances.

On the other hand, Jane has a unique style. She dressed like she wants and not following that beauty standard. And that's what Ricky admired, I guess.

One day in a fight conversation between the three of them, Angela said that Jane is weird and ugly. Ricky defended Jane by saying, in his opinion Angela is totally ordinary and boring, unlike unique Jane. Well, Angela was devastated because nobody wants to be ordinary and boring.

Every girls wants to be pretty. They do everything to look pretty. Eyelashes extensions, whitening injection, overpriced face treatment, some treatment that I do not know what the name about their eyebrow, etc. etc. etc. Some girls even going too far by doing breast augmentation or facial surgery.

I also want to look pretty, I use face cream, nice organic shampoo, and other things as well.

But I do not want to put 'appearance' as my ultimate life goal and the 'first thing makes me happy' thing. I do not want to be that superficial.

Appearances will fade away by time. It is a definite thing, just a matter of time.
No matter how pretty you are, or how stylish you are, you can deny the aging.
So do not depend your happiness into it.

On the other hand, knowledge will remain much longer. It never boring. Read a lot so you will have something interesting to say. Learn a lot of different things so you will have broad and wide perspective. Have you own style, be unique. Not be a girl with common beauty standard.

And you will not be that ordinary, boring girl. And that is beauty.

Ain't easy to be cheesy

Because today is Valentine day and our 27 months relationship celebration (wkwkwkwkwkwk)..

It ain't easy to be cheesy! But, I think we are so lucky to find each other.

Ribka & Amry - Bangkok, Thailand

Ribka & Amry - Kamakura, Japan

Ribka & Amry, Kyoto, Japan

If someone is an arse, we do not have to be arse too

I have a colleague, and she is super irritating most of time.
Super selfish person you know. I mean I can be selfish, but compared to her, I must be looked like very kind and nice.

She never really talked to me even though we sit pretty close. She's just going back from overseas vacation, and she did not even share a single candy to her team.
It's not about the candy or chocolate. It's about attitude.

When I was going to Japan last year, she asked me to bring three thick comics and one ornament for her. Anywhere I went to vacations, I always bring her something, because we are teammate. It's a polite and nice thing to do.

But when she went to Japan, she didn't even give me one small candy.

Again, it is not about the candy or chocolate, it's about attitude. She is very rude and selfish, and unfortunately for her, I'm not Jesus, so I'm offended by her attitude.

I do not give slightest damn if she act like a mannequin and never talk to us. My teammate, colleagues, and myself already discuss about her attitude and we decide that if she didn't want any help and didn't want to talk and become friends, so it's just too bad for her. Not our problem.

Shortly, my boyfriend came from Medan last week and bring Meranti cake.
I distributed the cakes to everyone I know in my floor. My teammate and colleagues.
Then my friends (not singular) told me that I should not give her cake, so she can learn that it is not nice and not polite if you treat someone like that. It's not pretty to have attitude like that.
So I did not give her cake that day. So she can understand what it felt like to be isolated and taste her own medicine.

But I do not know, when I back from office, I felt a bit guilty. I mean, I do not like myself when I treat someone like that. I do not feel right. I talked to Amry (my boyfriend) and he said, well just give her one slice, there is no difference whether you give her or not. She will stay the same person. Stay annoying.

So, in the next morning, I give her a cake. And I feel better.

Sometimes, we cannot control how people behave. They can act like a bitch and we cannot really do anything to them. But we can always control our attitude towards people.
Just because some people are asses, we do not have to be asses as well.  We can choose to live in a good virtue that we expect. Always treat people with respect and kindness. Even though sometimes they do not seem to deserve it, but we do not want to be like them, don't we?

Insecurities

Insecurities can be so dangerous and have a great capability to ruin everything (if you let them).

I believe that everyone has insecurities.
Some people "show" their insecurities easily, but some might hide it quite good then you have to know them well before you find out their insecurities.

I have my doubts as well. I have insecurities. To people whom I know very closely, they will find out that my insecurities can be quite destructive (let ask my boyfriend).

Actually, on some level, insecurities help us to keep grounding. To keep us sensitive, and aware of the dangers that might come. But above that "healthy level", insecurities never bring good things. So we have to learn how to control it.

I tried several things to overcome my insecurities.

In the past I tried yoga and meditation. But the outcome is not as expected to be honest. I mean, I enjoyed Yoga very much in my gym place, but every time we do meditation, I rather sleep.

The best 'run away' from the anxieties and  thinking about my insecurities, is by doing active exercises. I'm running, 3 times a week. I do dancing. And believe it or not, by doing active exercises, I am capable to forget all of that negative energy and becoming happier, sexier, and more positive!

I also do writing (like this) to overcome the anxieties and negative energy.

In general, I think having some hobbies definitely will help you.

And what activities drive me toward the abyss of insecurities?
Social media. Easy answer.

Social media (not every time) will make me anxious and insecure. Whether I saw my friends have nicer holiday, nicer things, nicer relationship, nicer blablablabla. It bugging me sometimes.

When I saw that my boyfriend's ex friended my boyfriend's family in social media, I'm totally upset. I do not know why. It doesn't mean anything anymore. My boyfriend said, he don't care and I should not care either. But it bugging me.
So I talked to my boyfriend, arguing with him and asking him to talk to her sister to be my friend, in social media. It ended in a nice way actually, I was introduced to his family. But let's imagine, how it will more lovely if it ended without argument with my boyfriend.

Second example, when I posted photos in instragam, deep down in my heart, I expected people (my followers) to like it. And I feel this 'obligation' to keep liking their photos, even though to be honest, I didn't even like the photos.

Don't you think that it's kind of sad. We pretend to like other people picture, so they will like back our photos even tough both of parties didn't really like the photos.

Social media sometimes can be destructive for our mental health. Seriously. So my boyfriend said, stop thinking to much about social media and lets have better and healthier life.

To be honest, he is a much better social media user than me. He rarely let those kind of thing bugging to much. He just drooling the instagram for his own pleasure. He even deleted his path account.

Well, I tried to be more like him to be honest. To be more care-free about social media. To not let things to control me, but me taking control of things.

Anne Boleyn - A thought

She's famous as a woman who steal a king's attention, King Henry VIII to be exact. She made the King use all of his power to divorce his legal wife at that time, Queen Chaterine of Aragorn.

She's famous for her lavish and glamorous style. And her quite active involvement in Church Reformation.

And she's famous for her beheading when she lost King's favor.

I think it's useless to share her history. She is one of the most popular Queen Consort of England, so probably you already knew her story.

It's just suddenly I'm thinking about her character. About how she is so charming, so intelligent, and so great as an illicit lover. She is a very attractive woman, you know. Not just because her physic. There are so many beautiful women in England, but why she is so special. The King himself separate Church of England from Rome just because of her. Many Catholics died at that time because of her.

I'm not saying that she is a nice person. No, she definitely doesn't have any integrity. She's very ambitious and ruthless. She's not a good example as a woman, she stole somebody's husband and decide that she wants to get rid of Princess Mary (king's daughter from his previous marriage).

But at that time, women has limited opportunities. Women always treated as inferior. A desired woman should be docile and submissive. And Boleyn, despite of those limitation, with her intelligence, pragmatism, can changed a history. She is very active in Church reformation as well at that time. She is always interested in politic affairs, which of course becoming one reason why she has many enemies in the court.

I do not want to be as manipulative as Boleyn. I do not want to take something whose not mine. I do not want to do any illegal action just to get power like Anne Boleyn. Or to break a family just to get what I want.
But, I want to be brave like her. To be progressive as women in my time. To be not afraid to have a dream. To be smart and intelligence, not boring and mediocre. To claim my rights as a women, that I'm not lesser than any men. That education and manner who define our honor, not our gender.

Yes to be smart, intelligence, and progressive. Not boring and mediocre. Not just have 'look' but hollow inside.  

Three years is the a perfect time to evaluate your commitment and future for one position in one company. If it doesn't challenge you anymore or give you the appreciation that you are eligible to receive, well the ball is in your court. Wait a bit longer or fight to get better position or get out and search what you deserve to get.

I've worked for two and half years now in my current company. In several weeks we will receive our performance evaluation, so I will see, whether my future is still belong to this company or should I venture into some other areas.

Nobody will take care of you in business world. No one. You should take care and only care to yourself.

Pragmatism is on top of everything in the office.

Stay hungry!

Let's face it that we all have some superficial reason to love someone.
I do care and have affection about my boyfriend, in a true way. But when I first met him, I have a very specific superficial reason about why I like him.
Well, it's about the fact that he is a tall guy, kind of super tall for Indonesian.
I'm a hobbit size, so since I was little, I always think that if I will end up with someone then it will be with someone tall (you know, due to anthropological reason).

Then, I'm wondering,  hypothetically if he shrunk into hobbit size, will I still love him like today? It's very random thought.

Why?
I remember that I told him one day when we discuss about his hair, that even though he's becoming bald or fat or darker, my feeling will never change. And I mean it. Those things doesn't matter to me. I can easily trivialize those issue.
But, how if it is about his height, something that I always love about physically. How if he shrunk into my hobbit size. Can it be trivialized easily as well? Of course this question is a moot point. He cannot be suddenly becoming short like me, but you know, we talk hypothetically. 

Maybe not that easily, correct?  Because even though it is not crucial or important and very superficial, but it is one specific thing that I love about him. Something that I don't have but he has it, and I feel like it complete me, cover my flaw.

You know, I care and love him deeply and truly (again I say it). I never thinking about someone else like I do about him. But I realize that my feeling is not perfect. It's tainted by my superficial and selfish human characteristic.
It's very "human" indeed.
There is no perfect love between a man and woman. It is always corrupted by something. It's not like God's love for example, who can love us beyond all of that physical appearances.

Yes, I admit how superficial and how deformed my love is. It's limited.

Love is not perfect. The extreme changes either physically or mentally in people that we love can affect us. To be honest. 

But the next question will be, should we give up on something because our nature as human being is corrupted and deformed from beginning. No. We won't give up. I definitely will not.

I will never leave him because one stupid reason. I love him in so many ways and for so many reasons. Even though I cannot change the fact  that my feeling can change temporarily because my human nature which I can deny, but the commitment between us is strong enough to passed those stupid obstacles. I have many other reasons to stay love him.

Love is not perfect.
But love with commitment and honor and friendship hopefully will remain true.

Stop sucking that plastic straws!

Lately I saw some campaigns to stop using plastic straws and it sounds very promising and interesting for me.

So, I bought stainless steel straws last week and give it also to my bf and my friends. I have never used plastic straws anymore since last week. And I'm kind of proud to myself to do this initiative.

Stainless Steel Straws - Bought for IDR 45k

OK, so why we should stop using plastic straws? It is very simple and logic.
Because everyday people all around the world using plastic straws for one-used and than those stupid plastic straws will be a big pile of nonrenewable waste that will end mostly in our sea and harm our sea ecosystem.

Have you ever heard that there are many animals in the sea DIED because they ate those stupid plastic or those plastic being sucked at their nose? Well if you never heard it, then I will tell you. Over 100 million marine animals are killed each year due to plastic debris in the ocean (source : https://conserveturtles.org/) 

So guys, I urge you. Please stop using stupid plastic straws. 

Please stop being so selfish. Please stop thinking that human is so superior, thinking that as long as my life is good and comfortable, than it is definitely not my problem if a turtle die because they eat my waste. 

Please stop. It got my nerves every time I saw some stupid disgusting people who posting their photos in Instagram doing fun activities in the beach and then they sucking their plastic straws to drink coconut water or drinking mineral bottle waters. Do you expect that all of those plastic waste will be just disappeared? NO. They won't disappear.  

Human's ignorance and superiority feeling (thinking that human is better and higher and more important than other any creatures) make me feel sick. 
My boyfriend loves snorkeling and turtles as well, so I urge him to stop using plastic stupid straws and I give him one good stainless steel straws. 

It is our responsibility to take care the nature, this wonderful earth. If we cannot take care it, at least we can stop ruining it. And it can start with simple action, just stop sucking those plastic straws. Drinking directly or using your stainless steel straws. Stop being selfish, arrogant, and ignorant creature. Start taking responsibility.  

Be more like Sam Gamgee

"But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. Because they were holding on to something. That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for"
-Sam Gamgee LOTR-


I am a big fan of J.R.R Tolkien. I have read his books for so many times. I bought his books when I was in Junior High School with my own savings. Before my bf started collecting books, I have done it since I was in Junior High School for J.R.R Tolkien books.

When I was a kid, my favorite character in LOTR is always Aragorn, you know mainly because he is brave and humble (even though he is a king legitimate heir, he didn't want to be a king because he's afraid he will follow his father's way) and very capable using his swords, and very adventurous, blablablabla. Yes I love Aragorn, and always fantasize about him.

But back at that time, I have never put many thoughts about Sam Gamgee. Never. Maybe because he is described as fat hobbit and his professions is only Frodo's gardener. How shallow I am when I was a kid.

But after I watched LOTR again last month (maybe for 10 times repetitions in my life), I found that Sam Gamgee's character is very noble and wonderful. He is not a king or hero's descendant. He's only a gardener. But as Frodo said at the end of the story, Frodo will never be able to go that far to destroy the Ring, without Sam Gamgee.

Sam Gamgee is like the most loyal friend and companion that you want to have. He is very devoted to help Frodo in his mission. He is true, humble, but also brave and throughout the story, he show great deal of courage and heroism.
When Frodo had doubts about their mission, Sam said the quotes in above article. He said to Frodo, the great characters in the stories never turn back, because they know that there are some in this world  and it's worth to fighting for.
 What a great thinking!

When Frodo doubted him and banished him, he still followed Frodo and fought bravely against the big spider and the orcs to save Frodo.

When Sam have to be a ring bearer for a very short period because he thought Frodo is dead, without showing hesitation he gave the ring back to Frodo which show great character.

When Frodo almost gave up to destroy the ring, Sam always encourages him. Always. When Frodo cannot walk anymore to Mount Doom, Sam carried him on his back.

I hope, I can be more like Sam the Brave. True, loyal, kind, humble, brave human being. Never have desire for glory or treasure, simply wants to be have a wonderful adventure  with his friends, help to save the world, and come back to his home to meet the love of his life. 

Was Ugly

I opened my facebook page two days ago. To be honest, for me facebook is a bit outdated, I rarely open it anymore. But, my boyfriend's mother add me as friend in facebook, so I have to open it and confirm the friend request (of course!).

Well, after quite long time never really care about the photos there (most of the photos are from my college era), I open it again.

And bam!  I'm quite shocked with the photos. I try to say this in a nice way, but yes to be honest, I looked very ugly on my college days.

OMGGGGGG!! My skin is quite dark, I even cannot remember that I have been that dark. You know, in college I was take 'ancot' twice a day, so I kind of blame it. And you know, I don't even bother to wash my face with special face shop (so saaad). Not finish yet..and my hair looked so messy, like I've never combing my hair, looked very dull. And my clothes and my shoes, terrible. 

Well, I was shocked, but then I started to laugh my self loud. I mean, I was ugly, but I have so many fond and good memories there. My college days are definitely one my favorite time in the world. I felt free, literally, like a bird, in the college, you know, intellectually, spiritually. I felt genuinely happy.

I realized two things after opening my facebook page again. One, I'm so grateful that after working, I have enough money and enough capability to realize the importance to take care my self physically. And, second, I'm also feel grateful that I spend four amazing year in my bachelor degree. It was quite awesome! I can see myself as you know, an intelligent entity, surrounding with so many smart, amazing friends (well I studied in ITB, so believe me, my friends are crazy smart asses), and I have so many times to thinks about matter things except myself.

It doens't matter anymore that I was looked so ugly (physically) back then. I was so happy and that supposed to be counted, correct.